all smiles :)

I kissed a boy and I liked it.... hehe

Loved falling asleep with the smell of his cologne still on my pillow. Really don't care if I just jinxed it, I had fun.

...well ok maybe a little

mamma said there would be days like this

i hate days like today the days where i wish i could escape my thoughts the days where i remember why i liked to smoke or drink when risky behavior was exciting and freeing

today is one of those days where i wish i had someone my prince charming to swoop in and make me feel like everything will be ok

but the reality is, i don't have that all I have is this pressure building behind my eyes and heaviness in my heart and there is no escape

i wish i didn't have days like this
because days like this just suck

ramen and rain

Rain in my life always equals one thing, trouble. I have notice that as soon as it rains people get a little more frisky. I really don't know what it is or why it happens it just does.

So as I am talking to friends online about how I think I'm finally over it, guess who pops up on my computer. Oh yes, him. People swear that I make this up, I assure you I don't. It's creepy! I swear there is this radar we have for each other. I want it turned OFF! So the rain always meant a little bit more to us. I would describe, but I really don't need to go off on another walk down memory lane. Oh but he made me mad. More then that I was mad at me. Why was I even second guessing myself. There was no question, the answer is no. no no NO! Yet I never said it, I just smiled and played nice. When it comes down to it, I think I am afraid. Now if I could figure out what I'm afraid of and why I feel that way it would be great.

Then there is the other one. The amazing one. The one that makes me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. We have gotten pretty open about things lately and its been very interesting having those conversations. We have never talked about those things before. I just don't know what it means. Why does it have to mean anything?

On a brighter note, I went to church. Now this sounds silly but I haven't gone in a very long time and it has been something I have wanted to do for a while. Now wanting to do it and actually doing it was harder then it sounds for me. When I think about church and my faith all I feel is shame. I am afraid to go back because I know I cannot be perfect, even though I know in my religion I don't have to be. It's just a weird complex I have. I don't like the shame and the embarrassment. However, I'm going to try I really am, to get over it and come back to church. I say that because I never lost my faith but the guilt took over and it was hard for me to go back. Confession on Saturday, needless to say it's gonna be a hard night. Hopefully I will feel better after it's all said and done.

Tonight: Tiffani + ramen noodles = happy
Saturday: Confession then party, ironic huh lol

Planners...

they are great really
agendas, planners, calendars
keeping everyday tasks neatly marked
color coded- highlighted
making sure every moment of life is
clearly determined
never to mis-plan, overbook
forget an assignment
birthday, day off and holidays

until of course....
your world is turned upside down
suddenly your agenda
marked with lines
crosses or white out
continues for days
weeks
of unplanned days
why plan?
does defining something make if more comfortable?
giving a false sense of security
its the same with the days of life
God seems to try to
remind us
to live
or He will make
you live
suddenly blowing your tire
an illness
or a loss
and your planner
agenda, calendar
means nothing
and your left to your own basic emotions
instincts
even though your days are
fulls of x's and crossed out words
the days continue to move
with each turn of the page
until once again you return to color coded
packed days to wait
for the next shock


R.I.P. Grandpa Gianni

plateau

Main Entry:
1pla·teau Listen to the pronunciation of 1plateau
Pronunciation:
\pla-ˈtō, ˈpla-ˌ\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural plateaus or pla·teaux Listen to the pronunciation of plateaux \-ˈtōz, -ˌtōz\
Etymology:
French, from Middle French, platter, from plat flat
Date:
1796

1 a: a usually extensive land area having a relatively level surface raised sharply above adjacent land on at least one side : tableland b: a similar undersea feature2 a: a region of little or no change in a graphic representation b: a relatively stable level, period, or condition3: a level of attainment or achievement


That is pretty much the best way I know how to describe what is going on right now.

A. I have hit the dreaded plateau in my diet. For the last three weeks I have no gained or lost weight, which I guess is kind of a good thing...right? But in all honesty I really need to get back on it because I have been slacking off. I blame the summer parties with all the BBQ foods...mmmmm yummy. I have started the whole work out thing but I think I need to get harder on myself with that too.

B. Finances. Goodness I wish it was a plateau instead of a constant incline of debt. But hopefully for myself, and my family, I can start getting back to a steady plateau of incoming checks. :) Today I went to my brothers and filled out some paperwork to be a leasing agent. Also, I got an email from my boss at school and maybe I can work for him in the summer for the month of August. Hopefully this mess all turns around.

and of course, there has to be one downfall in the mountain of my life. Today when I was driving home, my car died. So now I'm waiting to see if it was just a little problem like a water pipe, or a blown engine. Considering how things are going, its probably going to be the later. I don't think my family can take anymore bad news.

I am really missing school now, even though I know that when I go back its going to suck because my roommate will be in another country. And whats even better, because of all this bonding and reuniting I have been doing with my loves, I am sooooo gonna be sad when I can't see them everyday.

What I want right now, what I REALLY REALLY REALLY want, is to get a job for one, and to have him here. I want him to make that effort to see me. We stayed up last night talking and me trying to help him with his computer issues and we got on the topic of friends not being there for one another. He was complaining about a friend of his, and I'm like ok then get over here and hold me cause right now I need you.

Alright I'm done with my ranting, I guess I'll sleep now. Hopefully tomorrow will be oh so much better. :)

To: HIM

I need to write this to get it off my chest...
I wish I could say this to you for real but I don't know if I am strong enough yet. You have been my everything and the worst thing for me at the same time. I don't understand how we have grown into such different and disagreeable people. Quiet frankly it kills me. We used to be so cool, all we needed was each others presence. Words were not even necessary for us, all I needed to hear was the sound of you breathing or the rate of your heartbeat to understand exactly what you were thinking. But all of that is changed now. I look at you and I don't know the person looking back at me. I know your still there because when I hug you, my head fits right into your chest and I hear your heart. Our rhythm was once in sync. But now your on your own path. I can tell by your actions and the words you speak, once soooo passionate now hard. I hate it. I hate this person who you are. I have told myself, no my guy is still in there and I still get glimpses of him when I see you....

But that is a lie, denial. You are what you do. I cannot tell myself that it's just a phase any longer. If that is who you want to be I cannot do anything for you. I wish I could say you don't effect me. Oh how I wish I could. But today was just another example of how you still hold a special part of me. I have one request; can I have my old self back, that part you took? When you changed you took me, the girl I used to know when I looked at myself in the mirror. Today I was angry, I yelled, I cried, I walked out of a dance class because you made me so frustrated. That's not me...that's never been me. I want me back. I know that this is on me but the first step of that is the realization I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU BACK,especially the "you" I loved. Quiet frankly the BOY I see once a month (because I need a reminder of why we don't talk anymore) disgusts me. I can't be there for you anymore, regardless of all circumstances. You want to say your a man, act all bad, start acting like one for real. Don't rely on me, your back up for everything for the last 2 years. Stand up and man up. Most importantly, leave me out of it.

sincerely,
the WOMAN you will never have back, who doesn't need you,the reminder of the BIGGEST mistake you ever made, and the best thing that you have ever had...

Rebecca Irene Valdez

oh that's gonna hurt tomorrow....

I finally started to see the silver lining in this whole predicament I am in with this whole job search. Today I had my interview with Macy's and it went very well. That is until the end when the woman interviewing me let me know that they did not have any more positions open as of YESTERDAY. I was so bummed especially because I could have had my interview last week but I rescheduled because I already had plans with Riddhi (no worries girlie it was all worth it). So that pretty much made me really upset and frustrated. I seriously sulked in my room with my dog, who isn't supposed to be in the house but I didn't care, all afternoon.
But then Claudia, my personal cheerleader texted me and wanted to know if I still wanted to go to our class today. I was hesitant about it just because of my crappy mood but I decided to go. On the way there I talked to Claudia about what was going on and we decided that we are going to take the rest of the summer and worry about ourselves. We are going to class every single day! I am going to die haha. But I'm glad I have her to go with. So we went to class and it totally kicked my ass. I feel so good, both physically and just generally about myself. I have done so much and have come so far in the improvement of myself, I just can't believe it. I am so proud to say I know myself so much better and I have come to embrace my potential.Plus I am so happy to be dancing again, bloody toes and all!

and now time for frozen yogurt with Claudia

how I love summer :)

putting my dancing shoes on...

well this summer is going down in the history books. Even though the job hunt has been brutal, I am glad that I have free time to be with my friends. I finally got to see my lovely roomie on Thursday. We made food and talked like the days when we would sit up all night in our dorm room. Then we got to rendezvous in chino hills with my girlfriends for Riddhi's first time with sushi. It was so much fun, my sister even came out with us. I love all of them so much.

Tonight I got to put my jazz shoes on! Claudia, Zaira, and Brittany took a dance/cardio/conditioning class; lets just say it was intense. I think I'm gonna go back tomorrow night. I feel good because I have found a way to get active again. Hopefully it will help me up my weight loss/diet plans.

So today my mother and father left to go visit my grandparents and being home alone is kind of creeping me out. I think I'm gonna put my dog in my room tonight lol. But, I'm not gonna lie, I miss my mother. Like I came home and she wasn't here and I was like awww so alone, so quiet.

So tomorrow is my interview and I really REALLY hope I get it. Wish me luck <3

handle...

So, once again, JUST AS I PREDICTED, my lovely little idiot showed up today. For serious, I love how I know how my life is going to work out just cause it's a pattern that has been going on for about idk, 5 years lol. So he called and we talked about random ish then I told him he should come over and pick up a journal that I have had of his for like years. The other great thing, he doesn't have to call when he is at my door, I just know he's there so I walked to my door and he was there just hitting the door bell. Anywhos, about 20 mins of him and I remember why I don't like him. I really think he acts weird cause I intimidate him. I find it hilarious. Anyways, glad that is dealt with for now it was getting annoying.

So the rest of my day was lovely and productive with my new and clean mind. I filled out an application to work at school over the summer, I really hope that goes through. ::crosses fingers::

So now to look forward to shopping with my mother tomorrow and seeing Riddhi this weeking, pending any last minute changes... and lets face it, with my life, they will probably happen.

I just need to learn to handle my ish and push through it, while doing it in classic rebecca style; smiling and laughing the whole time :)

-Everything <3

"It started with the perfect kiss then We could feel the poison set in"...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson

I knew this would happen, but I still didn't want it to. Yesterday, I visited with a group of my friends in Long Beach. We had fun dishing out random stories and being silly like we always were. However, it was impossible not to feel the slightest feeling that we are all changing and moving. The only question is are we moving closer or further apart? I hope it's not the latter....

At the beginning of the summer I said I could predict but didn't hope that Erik would be around again. And sure enough, it's started. It's not that big YET, I just don't know where to go. Yesterday Erik called me right when he woke up, which was interesting in it's own sense. We talked for a while and I told him I was going with my friends to Long Beach. Now, once upon a time, Erik was in our group of "friends." But now considering how the story of Erik and I played out, they aren't always so fond of him and he has gradually moved out of our circle. Mind you, this was a long time ago, like when we were still in high school. Anyways, when I told him where I was going and whom I was going with, HE WANTED TO COME! I was like....um what? are you serious? and he was. I just don't know why he would want to do that? Whatever, he didn't end up coming cause it was a GIRLS ONLY day lol.

The horrible part was yet to come. So at 11:11pm Gardy and I always wish. Well we try anyways. Like at 11:10 I'll text him...Ready? and he responds GO! at 11:11. It's silly but I think it's cute. So, every time, I wish for the same thing. You can probably guess what, or who, it is. However, last night, before I could think, I thought I wish for Erik. I opened my eyes like I had just woke up from a nightmare and was terrified. Tiffani looked at me all worried and I just said OMG...OMG. I tried to think again, like to repeal my wish before it got to the little wish fairies, and again I thought Erik. I wanted to cry. What does that mean? That can't be what I really want...can it?

stupid heart...get it together

waking up in vegas...

Ok so I didn't run away and get married like the song implies but I still had a great time during swan week in Vegas. Even though we are not twenty-one Brandy, Josh and I had a fun time lounging around being trampled by Sadie the puppy. Finally got to spend some time in a pool and got a bit darker. I also got to see my first Cirque Du Soleil show Believe with Criss Angel. It was very creepy and incredible; exactly what I expected. We even got to meet up with Swan's cousins who are so hilarious it's unbelievable. I can't wait to talk to them about Brandy's wedding, especially when I need backup.

However, I can't lie, at times I felt like the third wheel. I don't think it was anything anyone could have really done anything about, it's just me.

Anyways, I'm home now and HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO! Stupid weather makes me want to sleep all day. Maybe I'll take a drive and see where I end up....

oh this week..

HAS BEEN AMAZING!
past a few little "speed bumps" I had a lot of fun with some amazing people. Tuesday I finally went up to Oxnard and met my best friend Gardy. Tiffani and I drove up to Thousand Oaks and hung out at The Oaks mall. It's a very pretty mall in which Tiffani and I decided we need to go back because she wants a dress. Silly girl I know. It took us about and hour and a half to get there from West Covina. Probably wouldn't have taken so long if I didn't have to drive to my mom's job and then put gas in her car. After almost killing Tiffani, her words not mine I think I drive just fine, we made it. We walked around the mall for two hours because BFF got stuck in traffic. So then he calls me and says he's there and I instantly get butterflies in my stomach. We start walking back to the center of the mall to meet him when for some reason I decided to look up. And there he was. He was standing there, leaning over the second floor railing with this little smirk on his face. Without thinking I just say...Hi. At this point Tiffani looks up, see's creeper looking down at us and she screams. hahahaha. Oh my cubby. I then yelled at Gardy, "you scared her you big meany." hahaha. After meeting up on the top of the escalator we proceed to leave the mall, which took another fifteen minutes cause Gardy lead us up the stairs then around, then back up before he remembered where he parked. I swear we are exactly the same. We then start our trip up the coast to Santa Barbara. That trip included Gardy being a spazz with the radio, me in aviator sunglasses that I am going to steal from him, and a lot of laughs. Santa Barbara was pretty as you can see in the pictures. Heading back, Gardy almost killed us when he turned onto a one way street in the wrong direction. hahaha. Then we started the drive home and we all decided we wanted to eat at taco bell. So I look it up on my navigator where we end up at "Taco Inn." Then Gardy uses his Iphone and we end up going on this weird trek around Thousand Oaks. We end up at a jack in the box with an ordering kiosk. The funniest thing of the day by far. After sitting and dying of laugher we head back and Tiffani and I head home. I remember sitting in bed that night with a sense of disbelief, "Did that really happen? OMG" It was a great day and I can't wait to do it again, hopefully sooner than later.
The rest of the week had Tiffani and myself hanging out a lot. I love that girl and I am really glad I am getting to spend some time with her. We got A LOT of yogurt which let us see Claudia too. We went to the mall and watched Enchanted. I am so glad I have these girls in my life and now I can't wait to see the rest of them. It's gonna kill me when I have to go back to school in the fall....

Fail.

That is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel right now. I was looking forward to today because I wanted to see my friends, but of course, it didn't work out. Just like my plans for tomorrow to see Gardy, which of course I can't do because I have a funeral to go to. I just want out of here. Now I'm sitting in my room just wanting to bawl my eyes out and I have no freakin clue why. I feel stupid and kind of crazy. I guess I'm just frustrated with everything. All I can think about right now is Jeff. I have started to feel a very deep sense of guilt over what happened to him, like what if I would have just went over there, what if I took him to the ER would this all of happened? I know it's a horrible and pointless game to play but I still do it. I feel horrible and just want to let it all out but I feel so stupid that I can't. Classic story of heart vs. head. I have been told so many times in my life that I am "too emotional" that I have learned to hide most all of my emotions completely. When I do finally crack, lets just say its bad. I wanted to talk to Erik about all of this but of course he is out with friends. I hate calling my other friends sometimes because I know they just get annoyed with me. I'm very frustrating to deal with I know.
Now I can only think about him and I feel worse then I already did. I think about how Jeff is, so attached to a person that doesn't like him back, and I wonder if that is what I am doing, making all of this up in my head. Maybe there is no hope in it at all. How pathetic is that. We can't even figure out how to even see each other once in two years of talking to each other, its absolute nonsense. Maybe it's time I face reality, let it all go, and accept my stupidity for what it is. I Fail.

Overdose.

I cannot believe that I have been home for ONE WEEK and there is already drama. I swear I attract it like a magnet or something. For the first few days I was fine, hiding out in my room, making it all pretty and organized. Wednesday I went out with my cubby aka. Tiffani and it was wonderful. I miss her lovely smile and stories. Her optimism and realistic nature gives me hope and keeps me grounded. I know that she is going through some hard times and it kills me because, despite her strong appearance, I know she is hurting. In time I know she will be crack, I just hope she knows that I will be there for her to help put the pieces back together. <3
Last night was the beginning of the downfall. Paul called me all upset because he had broken up with his girlfriend. So he ends up calling this girl named Kristina, a girl that our friend Jeff is very fond of, and hangs out with her. I told him this was not a good idea, but of course Paul doesn't listen to me. So Jeff is texting me and Paul and he realizes that Kristina is with us, which hence caused Jeff to get really upset and take all 20 pills of his anti depression medication landing him right in the emergency room. I found out that he was in the hospital today and started talking to Paul on when we should go. He said we would go around 6. 6 rolled around, no Paul. 7...no Paul. Come to find out that he is at his job, where he is not even working tonight, hanging out with Kristina again and this other girl Amanda. I am soooooooo mad at him right now. I really cannot believe how selfish and pig headed that boy can be. I never want to speak to that kid ever again.

Today caused me to get in contact with a few people I have not spoken to in quiet a while. One of them being Erik. We actually had a very nice conversation, beginning with Jeff and what we are going to do with this situation, and then just talking about life. It's days like this when I remember what we were, who he was once upon a time when I loved him. But, even as we talked today, we know that was two years ago and we really can't dwell on the past, especially on the bad. We know that we are friends and we will be for a long time. We know that it is hard for people to understand how two people that used to date, that used to be in love, that had a horrible break up can be friends, but then again, I have never been part of the norm and do not intend to start now. I love him and always will on some level and I believe the same goes for him.

Now I am sitting in my room wondering if Jeff, who is now in surgery, is ok. With every ring and vibration of my phone I hold my breath. I just have to hope for the best, hopefully I will see him tomorrow. Other then that, I can't wait to see my friends on Sunday. My first beach day of the summer! Then Monday will be my trip up to Oxnard :) wish me luck.... <3

oh and still waiting for them to call me about my job....rawr I hate waiting :(

As for now, I am going to try to sleep and wake up refreshed and clear headed for my long and complicated day tomorrow...he's gonna need me

RAWR! = I love you in dinosaur

....now if only I could say it in English
What would be better is for someone to say it back. One of my favorite things is when all the summer editions of all the magazines come out and they all have the same quiz/article "is it just a summer fling or the real thing?" Ok first of all, no magazine is gonna tell me that. And second of all, flings are no bueno in my book. Tried that and it was the worst thing ever; more drama than a real relationship. At least the drama in a relationship is worth it, working toward getting closer or stronger, but in a fling, it's all just a waste of time. I wouldn't mind having a short real relationship that didn't work out because at least I know I tried. Whatever, it's not like I have to be worrying about it for a while, my love life needs a break.
But of course that probably isn't going to happen because in a few days I am going home and that means my significant jerk face/ douche bag, depending on which friend you are talking to, will be around. I don't know what I think about all that yet, but we will see if and when it happens.

This summer, I have three goals: 1. get a job and SAVE the money 2. keep up the diet, in fact, pump it up a bit and 3. get close with my girls again. I think the latter of the group is the most important to me. I miss them soooooo much and I can tell they miss me too. We have all been trying to get together and plan for the summer over the last few weeks I just want it to happen already. I will see one of my babies tonight after a very long overdue night of talking. Hopefully I can take a day to drive to long beach with everyone so we can all hang out like we used to. Spending our days on the beach with friends, fire, and of course food. :)

One other thing I want to do is see my best friend, FINALLY. I swear I am going to drive over there and pull him out of his house by his toes. hehe not literally but goodness.

Well one more final and I'm done....here's to an optimistic summer <3





Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue lyrics

There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

Two Steps Forwards....One Step Back.

♫ One step at a time there's no need to rush, it's like learning to fly or falling in love. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen That's when we find the reasons why, one step at a time ♫

Step one: first goal accomplished.
So everyone knows that I am on this diet. If I must be honest, I was starting to get a bit frustrated with it. But, I know that if I don't do this now I may never do it. So this week, I went to check my weight and I have lost 10 pounds! Actually its 9.8 but whatever I rounded up so sue me. I am very excited and now I am more confident in going forward with this.

Step two: getting shit done
Ok, if anyone has actually looked at my desk, you would see a bunch of sticky notes. I live off my sticky notes. I even have sticky notes on my desktop. I don't know what it was about this particular week, but I feel like everything just decided to pile up on me. However, I mastered my talent of procrastination and got everything done. I even started working on long term things that I have just been avoiding, like looking up adult confirmation classes. I hope I can keep this up for the next few weeks of school and then finally a vacation!

One step back: you guessed it....he's back
Well kind of. I was so happy that I hadn't talked to him, and it was much easier considering he had a girlfriend. But one day, I think it was Tuesday, I see on fb that he is single. I had a feeling that would happen but of course I just wanted him to be happy and think positively. So when I see he is single I think, I give him 24 hours at the most to talk to me. And sure enough, he messaged me. It was nothing big, but I honestly felt kinda mad after. I wanted to be done so badly. I do miss him, but I know he isn't who he used to be so I am still trying to keep my distance. Maybe one day it will work out, but not now.

"im so over it, ive been there and back."

It honestly feels like an eternity since I have spoken to him, but in reality it has been two weeks. I don't know why I miss him besides the fact that it's just normal for me to, even routine, just to talk to him on a random basis just to keep in touch and a random secret rendezvous. But now I know that I just can't do that anymore. I hope he's happy now. As for me, I am doing pretty good without him. I am happy and finding new people to occupy my time...hehe. The only problem I am having now is the person that I have been hanging out with is not really the best choice for me. Originally, he had a very bad reputation. But he has completely disproved that and shown me a really amazing side of him. But, of course, there is one downfall...it's not gonna last. In a few weeks school will be over and he will be gone. I tell myself to just let it go and have some fun, but I don't know if I am capable of doing that at this point of my life. Where do I draw the line? Love is the best game to win and the worst to lose.

Epiphany

Over this spring break I had quiet a few very interesting moments that have stuck in my head until today. The first was, in my opinion, very silly. Even though I am 20 years old, I don't think of myself as an adult, or a WOMAN for that matter. Yes, technically I am female, but I think the title of Man or Woman comes with a larger connotation of responsibility and overall togetherness. I was in target with my mother when I decided to buy a multivitamin since everyone keeps telling me it's a good thing to do. So as I am glancing over rows and rows of vitamins, I pick up "woman's" multivitamin as I can't get 50+ or the teen blend. I sat there for a second and looked at this bottle which had a note, "supports healthy breast and heart health," and it kind of hits me. Hello! This is your adult life, you better take care of yourself. You see so many women getting breast cancer and cancer of the heart, but not once did I think oh well that might happen to me because I am too young. This is still sort of true as it is unlikely that I would get cancer right now, but it is not impossible. I need to start taking care of my health better.Especially now with my sister suddenly being diagnosed with cervical and ovarian cancer. Not to mention start acting like an adult so hopefully I can gain the title of Woman with pride not just age.

Another lasting moment I experienced was when I was at my, recently deceased, Grandmother's house. I had been avoiding her house for weeks just because I felt that being there without her would be too painful. However, the day was very enjoyable as I was able to visit with family members that I normally did not get to see very often. I was finally at the "adult table," having very interesting conversations on traveling, the economy, the future and the legalization of marijuana. lol I felt happy knowing that is exactly what my Grandmother would have wanted for us.

Finally, sudden and sort of hurtful news has given me the greatest boost that I have had in a very long time. Everyone that really knows me knows about my past relationships and how that stupid games have messed with my head and heart for years. Now, I have the best opportunity to just move on and forget it all. I cannot think with my heart any longer on this because right now, my head has all the answers I need. My heart hurt a little when I found out he has moved on, officially now, but I realized that it was more of my ego that felt the sting. Realistically, I know that he is no good for me and probably will never be and I cannot be that selfish and to be mad because he moved on first. Mind you, thinking about it all, I realized I moved on a long time ago, those boys just happened to be jerks just like him. Now, I just feel sorry for that girl, she probably has no clue...poor thing. But now, I'm worrying solely about myself. Boys will not be part of the picture, except of course for my friends and bff that just-so-happen to be male :). I am letting go of my initial views of life and love and for once just want to have fun, even if it is short term. I don't need to be tied down, I'm 20 for goodness sakes!

So in honor of this new lease on life, I'm forgetting everything and everyone that has done me wrong and letting it go. This does not mean I will ever forget, but it will not run my life and my emotions any longer. This weekend, the girls and I are heading up to SF and having some freaking fun.

peace, <3, everything