Fail.

That is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel right now. I was looking forward to today because I wanted to see my friends, but of course, it didn't work out. Just like my plans for tomorrow to see Gardy, which of course I can't do because I have a funeral to go to. I just want out of here. Now I'm sitting in my room just wanting to bawl my eyes out and I have no freakin clue why. I feel stupid and kind of crazy. I guess I'm just frustrated with everything. All I can think about right now is Jeff. I have started to feel a very deep sense of guilt over what happened to him, like what if I would have just went over there, what if I took him to the ER would this all of happened? I know it's a horrible and pointless game to play but I still do it. I feel horrible and just want to let it all out but I feel so stupid that I can't. Classic story of heart vs. head. I have been told so many times in my life that I am "too emotional" that I have learned to hide most all of my emotions completely. When I do finally crack, lets just say its bad. I wanted to talk to Erik about all of this but of course he is out with friends. I hate calling my other friends sometimes because I know they just get annoyed with me. I'm very frustrating to deal with I know.
Now I can only think about him and I feel worse then I already did. I think about how Jeff is, so attached to a person that doesn't like him back, and I wonder if that is what I am doing, making all of this up in my head. Maybe there is no hope in it at all. How pathetic is that. We can't even figure out how to even see each other once in two years of talking to each other, its absolute nonsense. Maybe it's time I face reality, let it all go, and accept my stupidity for what it is. I Fail.