I never thought that my whole perspective on life could change in a few weeks, but I think that is exactly what is happening to me.I just got back from a wonderful trip in Italy and Greece in which my whole world just opened up to me. I had some great times and hope to return one day. But, by the end of it I was wanting to just come home. I missed my family and my friends. What is great is I didn't miss HIM. But of course, the first call I got as I walked into the door to my house was HIM and HE wanted to see me. Was it stupid to go with him, probably...maybe just blindly hopeful. Regardless, it was an o.k. night. Not free of bad decisions and impulse but not horrible either. But, of course in true idiot fashion, HE had to prove me wrong. Today was filled with screaming, cussing, and just plain Rebecca and HIM old fashion fighting. What wasn't the same was the end of the conversation; him saying "it's alright...who's your daddy?" ... I'll let that part sink in....waiting....got it...good....WHAT THE F***! It was if he was mocking me, like the whole few hours of me being so mad at him didn't even phase him, he knew I would just forget it. How disgusting is that. How pathetic of me. How DISRESPECTFUL is HE. Not to mention the whole reason we were fighting was that he was a RUDE DISRESPECTFUL JERK. Needless to say I hung up on his ass after a few choice words.
I decided to take a long shower in which I thought about what had just gone down. I was mad at him but worse I was mad at myself. How can I expect him to respect me when I don't respect myself. It would be nice if he did, but lets face it, it's HIM. How is anyone going to respect me for that matter?
My friend had a few great words for me: When you think about talking to HIM just ask yourself are you ready to let HIM disrespect you again? If so answer the phone...
this is my life.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
all smiles :)
I kissed a boy and I liked it.... hehe
Loved falling asleep with the smell of his cologne still on my pillow. Really don't care if I just jinxed it, I had fun.
...well ok maybe a little
Loved falling asleep with the smell of his cologne still on my pillow. Really don't care if I just jinxed it, I had fun.
...well ok maybe a little
Friday, November 6, 2009
mamma said there would be days like this
i hate days like today the days where i wish i could escape my thoughts the days where i remember why i liked to smoke or drink when risky behavior was exciting and freeing
today is one of those days where i wish i had someone my prince charming to swoop in and make me feel like everything will be ok
but the reality is, i don't have that all I have is this pressure building behind my eyes and heaviness in my heart and there is no escape
i wish i didn't have days like this
because days like this just suck
today is one of those days where i wish i had someone my prince charming to swoop in and make me feel like everything will be ok
but the reality is, i don't have that all I have is this pressure building behind my eyes and heaviness in my heart and there is no escape
i wish i didn't have days like this
because days like this just suck
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
ramen and rain
Rain in my life always equals one thing, trouble. I have notice that as soon as it rains people get a little more frisky. I really don't know what it is or why it happens it just does.
So as I am talking to friends online about how I think I'm finally over it, guess who pops up on my computer. Oh yes, him. People swear that I make this up, I assure you I don't. It's creepy! I swear there is this radar we have for each other. I want it turned OFF! So the rain always meant a little bit more to us. I would describe, but I really don't need to go off on another walk down memory lane. Oh but he made me mad. More then that I was mad at me. Why was I even second guessing myself. There was no question, the answer is no. no no NO! Yet I never said it, I just smiled and played nice. When it comes down to it, I think I am afraid. Now if I could figure out what I'm afraid of and why I feel that way it would be great.
Then there is the other one. The amazing one. The one that makes me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. We have gotten pretty open about things lately and its been very interesting having those conversations. We have never talked about those things before. I just don't know what it means. Why does it have to mean anything?
On a brighter note, I went to church. Now this sounds silly but I haven't gone in a very long time and it has been something I have wanted to do for a while. Now wanting to do it and actually doing it was harder then it sounds for me. When I think about church and my faith all I feel is shame. I am afraid to go back because I know I cannot be perfect, even though I know in my religion I don't have to be. It's just a weird complex I have. I don't like the shame and the embarrassment. However, I'm going to try I really am, to get over it and come back to church. I say that because I never lost my faith but the guilt took over and it was hard for me to go back. Confession on Saturday, needless to say it's gonna be a hard night. Hopefully I will feel better after it's all said and done.
Tonight: Tiffani + ramen noodles = happy
Saturday: Confession then party, ironic huh lol
So as I am talking to friends online about how I think I'm finally over it, guess who pops up on my computer. Oh yes, him. People swear that I make this up, I assure you I don't. It's creepy! I swear there is this radar we have for each other. I want it turned OFF! So the rain always meant a little bit more to us. I would describe, but I really don't need to go off on another walk down memory lane. Oh but he made me mad. More then that I was mad at me. Why was I even second guessing myself. There was no question, the answer is no. no no NO! Yet I never said it, I just smiled and played nice. When it comes down to it, I think I am afraid. Now if I could figure out what I'm afraid of and why I feel that way it would be great.
Then there is the other one. The amazing one. The one that makes me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. We have gotten pretty open about things lately and its been very interesting having those conversations. We have never talked about those things before. I just don't know what it means. Why does it have to mean anything?
On a brighter note, I went to church. Now this sounds silly but I haven't gone in a very long time and it has been something I have wanted to do for a while. Now wanting to do it and actually doing it was harder then it sounds for me. When I think about church and my faith all I feel is shame. I am afraid to go back because I know I cannot be perfect, even though I know in my religion I don't have to be. It's just a weird complex I have. I don't like the shame and the embarrassment. However, I'm going to try I really am, to get over it and come back to church. I say that because I never lost my faith but the guilt took over and it was hard for me to go back. Confession on Saturday, needless to say it's gonna be a hard night. Hopefully I will feel better after it's all said and done.
Tonight: Tiffani + ramen noodles = happy
Saturday: Confession then party, ironic huh lol
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Planners...
they are great really
agendas, planners, calendars
keeping everyday tasks neatly marked
color coded- highlighted
making sure every moment of life is
clearly determined
never to mis-plan, overbook
forget an assignment
birthday, day off and holidays
until of course....
your world is turned upside down
suddenly your agenda
marked with lines
crosses or white out
continues for days
weeks
of unplanned days
why plan?
does defining something make if more comfortable?
giving a false sense of security
its the same with the days of life
God seems to try to
remind us
to live
or He will make
you live
suddenly blowing your tire
an illness
or a loss
and your planner
agenda, calendar
means nothing
and your left to your own basic emotions
instincts
even though your days are
fulls of x's and crossed out words
the days continue to move
with each turn of the page
until once again you return to color coded
packed days to wait
for the next shock
R.I.P. Grandpa Gianni
agendas, planners, calendars
keeping everyday tasks neatly marked
color coded- highlighted
making sure every moment of life is
clearly determined
never to mis-plan, overbook
forget an assignment
birthday, day off and holidays
until of course....
your world is turned upside down
suddenly your agenda
marked with lines
crosses or white out
continues for days
weeks
of unplanned days
why plan?
does defining something make if more comfortable?
giving a false sense of security
its the same with the days of life
God seems to try to
remind us
to live
or He will make
you live
suddenly blowing your tire
an illness
or a loss
and your planner
agenda, calendar
means nothing
and your left to your own basic emotions
instincts
even though your days are
fulls of x's and crossed out words
the days continue to move
with each turn of the page
until once again you return to color coded
packed days to wait
for the next shock
R.I.P. Grandpa Gianni
Thursday, July 16, 2009
plateau
Main Entry:
1pla·teau Listen to the pronunciation of 1plateau
Pronunciation:
\pla-ˈtō, ˈpla-ˌ\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural plateaus or pla·teaux Listen to the pronunciation of plateaux \-ˈtōz, -ˌtōz\
Etymology:
French, from Middle French, platter, from plat flat
Date:
1796
1 a: a usually extensive land area having a relatively level surface raised sharply above adjacent land on at least one side : tableland b: a similar undersea feature2 a: a region of little or no change in a graphic representation b: a relatively stable level, period, or condition3: a level of attainment or achievement
That is pretty much the best way I know how to describe what is going on right now.
A. I have hit the dreaded plateau in my diet. For the last three weeks I have no gained or lost weight, which I guess is kind of a good thing...right? But in all honesty I really need to get back on it because I have been slacking off. I blame the summer parties with all the BBQ foods...mmmmm yummy. I have started the whole work out thing but I think I need to get harder on myself with that too.
B. Finances. Goodness I wish it was a plateau instead of a constant incline of debt. But hopefully for myself, and my family, I can start getting back to a steady plateau of incoming checks. :) Today I went to my brothers and filled out some paperwork to be a leasing agent. Also, I got an email from my boss at school and maybe I can work for him in the summer for the month of August. Hopefully this mess all turns around.
and of course, there has to be one downfall in the mountain of my life. Today when I was driving home, my car died. So now I'm waiting to see if it was just a little problem like a water pipe, or a blown engine. Considering how things are going, its probably going to be the later. I don't think my family can take anymore bad news.
I am really missing school now, even though I know that when I go back its going to suck because my roommate will be in another country. And whats even better, because of all this bonding and reuniting I have been doing with my loves, I am sooooo gonna be sad when I can't see them everyday.
What I want right now, what I REALLY REALLY REALLY want, is to get a job for one, and to have him here. I want him to make that effort to see me. We stayed up last night talking and me trying to help him with his computer issues and we got on the topic of friends not being there for one another. He was complaining about a friend of his, and I'm like ok then get over here and hold me cause right now I need you.
Alright I'm done with my ranting, I guess I'll sleep now. Hopefully tomorrow will be oh so much better. :)
1pla·teau Listen to the pronunciation of 1plateau
Pronunciation:
\pla-ˈtō, ˈpla-ˌ\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural plateaus or pla·teaux Listen to the pronunciation of plateaux \-ˈtōz, -ˌtōz\
Etymology:
French, from Middle French, platter, from plat flat
Date:
1796
1 a: a usually extensive land area having a relatively level surface raised sharply above adjacent land on at least one side : tableland b: a similar undersea feature2 a: a region of little or no change in a graphic representation b: a relatively stable level, period, or condition3: a level of attainment or achievement
That is pretty much the best way I know how to describe what is going on right now.
A. I have hit the dreaded plateau in my diet. For the last three weeks I have no gained or lost weight, which I guess is kind of a good thing...right? But in all honesty I really need to get back on it because I have been slacking off. I blame the summer parties with all the BBQ foods...mmmmm yummy. I have started the whole work out thing but I think I need to get harder on myself with that too.
B. Finances. Goodness I wish it was a plateau instead of a constant incline of debt. But hopefully for myself, and my family, I can start getting back to a steady plateau of incoming checks. :) Today I went to my brothers and filled out some paperwork to be a leasing agent. Also, I got an email from my boss at school and maybe I can work for him in the summer for the month of August. Hopefully this mess all turns around.
and of course, there has to be one downfall in the mountain of my life. Today when I was driving home, my car died. So now I'm waiting to see if it was just a little problem like a water pipe, or a blown engine. Considering how things are going, its probably going to be the later. I don't think my family can take anymore bad news.
I am really missing school now, even though I know that when I go back its going to suck because my roommate will be in another country. And whats even better, because of all this bonding and reuniting I have been doing with my loves, I am sooooo gonna be sad when I can't see them everyday.
What I want right now, what I REALLY REALLY REALLY want, is to get a job for one, and to have him here. I want him to make that effort to see me. We stayed up last night talking and me trying to help him with his computer issues and we got on the topic of friends not being there for one another. He was complaining about a friend of his, and I'm like ok then get over here and hold me cause right now I need you.
Alright I'm done with my ranting, I guess I'll sleep now. Hopefully tomorrow will be oh so much better. :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
To: HIM
I need to write this to get it off my chest...
I wish I could say this to you for real but I don't know if I am strong enough yet. You have been my everything and the worst thing for me at the same time. I don't understand how we have grown into such different and disagreeable people. Quiet frankly it kills me. We used to be so cool, all we needed was each others presence. Words were not even necessary for us, all I needed to hear was the sound of you breathing or the rate of your heartbeat to understand exactly what you were thinking. But all of that is changed now. I look at you and I don't know the person looking back at me. I know your still there because when I hug you, my head fits right into your chest and I hear your heart. Our rhythm was once in sync. But now your on your own path. I can tell by your actions and the words you speak, once soooo passionate now hard. I hate it. I hate this person who you are. I have told myself, no my guy is still in there and I still get glimpses of him when I see you....
But that is a lie, denial. You are what you do. I cannot tell myself that it's just a phase any longer. If that is who you want to be I cannot do anything for you. I wish I could say you don't effect me. Oh how I wish I could. But today was just another example of how you still hold a special part of me. I have one request; can I have my old self back, that part you took? When you changed you took me, the girl I used to know when I looked at myself in the mirror. Today I was angry, I yelled, I cried, I walked out of a dance class because you made me so frustrated. That's not me...that's never been me. I want me back. I know that this is on me but the first step of that is the realization I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU BACK,especially the "you" I loved. Quiet frankly the BOY I see once a month (because I need a reminder of why we don't talk anymore) disgusts me. I can't be there for you anymore, regardless of all circumstances. You want to say your a man, act all bad, start acting like one for real. Don't rely on me, your back up for everything for the last 2 years. Stand up and man up. Most importantly, leave me out of it.
sincerely,
the WOMAN you will never have back, who doesn't need you,the reminder of the BIGGEST mistake you ever made, and the best thing that you have ever had...
Rebecca Irene Valdez
I wish I could say this to you for real but I don't know if I am strong enough yet. You have been my everything and the worst thing for me at the same time. I don't understand how we have grown into such different and disagreeable people. Quiet frankly it kills me. We used to be so cool, all we needed was each others presence. Words were not even necessary for us, all I needed to hear was the sound of you breathing or the rate of your heartbeat to understand exactly what you were thinking. But all of that is changed now. I look at you and I don't know the person looking back at me. I know your still there because when I hug you, my head fits right into your chest and I hear your heart. Our rhythm was once in sync. But now your on your own path. I can tell by your actions and the words you speak, once soooo passionate now hard. I hate it. I hate this person who you are. I have told myself, no my guy is still in there and I still get glimpses of him when I see you....
But that is a lie, denial. You are what you do. I cannot tell myself that it's just a phase any longer. If that is who you want to be I cannot do anything for you. I wish I could say you don't effect me. Oh how I wish I could. But today was just another example of how you still hold a special part of me. I have one request; can I have my old self back, that part you took? When you changed you took me, the girl I used to know when I looked at myself in the mirror. Today I was angry, I yelled, I cried, I walked out of a dance class because you made me so frustrated. That's not me...that's never been me. I want me back. I know that this is on me but the first step of that is the realization I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU BACK,especially the "you" I loved. Quiet frankly the BOY I see once a month (because I need a reminder of why we don't talk anymore) disgusts me. I can't be there for you anymore, regardless of all circumstances. You want to say your a man, act all bad, start acting like one for real. Don't rely on me, your back up for everything for the last 2 years. Stand up and man up. Most importantly, leave me out of it.
sincerely,
the WOMAN you will never have back, who doesn't need you,the reminder of the BIGGEST mistake you ever made, and the best thing that you have ever had...
Rebecca Irene Valdez
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