Fail.

That is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel right now. I was looking forward to today because I wanted to see my friends, but of course, it didn't work out. Just like my plans for tomorrow to see Gardy, which of course I can't do because I have a funeral to go to. I just want out of here. Now I'm sitting in my room just wanting to bawl my eyes out and I have no freakin clue why. I feel stupid and kind of crazy. I guess I'm just frustrated with everything. All I can think about right now is Jeff. I have started to feel a very deep sense of guilt over what happened to him, like what if I would have just went over there, what if I took him to the ER would this all of happened? I know it's a horrible and pointless game to play but I still do it. I feel horrible and just want to let it all out but I feel so stupid that I can't. Classic story of heart vs. head. I have been told so many times in my life that I am "too emotional" that I have learned to hide most all of my emotions completely. When I do finally crack, lets just say its bad. I wanted to talk to Erik about all of this but of course he is out with friends. I hate calling my other friends sometimes because I know they just get annoyed with me. I'm very frustrating to deal with I know.
Now I can only think about him and I feel worse then I already did. I think about how Jeff is, so attached to a person that doesn't like him back, and I wonder if that is what I am doing, making all of this up in my head. Maybe there is no hope in it at all. How pathetic is that. We can't even figure out how to even see each other once in two years of talking to each other, its absolute nonsense. Maybe it's time I face reality, let it all go, and accept my stupidity for what it is. I Fail.

Overdose.

I cannot believe that I have been home for ONE WEEK and there is already drama. I swear I attract it like a magnet or something. For the first few days I was fine, hiding out in my room, making it all pretty and organized. Wednesday I went out with my cubby aka. Tiffani and it was wonderful. I miss her lovely smile and stories. Her optimism and realistic nature gives me hope and keeps me grounded. I know that she is going through some hard times and it kills me because, despite her strong appearance, I know she is hurting. In time I know she will be crack, I just hope she knows that I will be there for her to help put the pieces back together. <3
Last night was the beginning of the downfall. Paul called me all upset because he had broken up with his girlfriend. So he ends up calling this girl named Kristina, a girl that our friend Jeff is very fond of, and hangs out with her. I told him this was not a good idea, but of course Paul doesn't listen to me. So Jeff is texting me and Paul and he realizes that Kristina is with us, which hence caused Jeff to get really upset and take all 20 pills of his anti depression medication landing him right in the emergency room. I found out that he was in the hospital today and started talking to Paul on when we should go. He said we would go around 6. 6 rolled around, no Paul. 7...no Paul. Come to find out that he is at his job, where he is not even working tonight, hanging out with Kristina again and this other girl Amanda. I am soooooooo mad at him right now. I really cannot believe how selfish and pig headed that boy can be. I never want to speak to that kid ever again.

Today caused me to get in contact with a few people I have not spoken to in quiet a while. One of them being Erik. We actually had a very nice conversation, beginning with Jeff and what we are going to do with this situation, and then just talking about life. It's days like this when I remember what we were, who he was once upon a time when I loved him. But, even as we talked today, we know that was two years ago and we really can't dwell on the past, especially on the bad. We know that we are friends and we will be for a long time. We know that it is hard for people to understand how two people that used to date, that used to be in love, that had a horrible break up can be friends, but then again, I have never been part of the norm and do not intend to start now. I love him and always will on some level and I believe the same goes for him.

Now I am sitting in my room wondering if Jeff, who is now in surgery, is ok. With every ring and vibration of my phone I hold my breath. I just have to hope for the best, hopefully I will see him tomorrow. Other then that, I can't wait to see my friends on Sunday. My first beach day of the summer! Then Monday will be my trip up to Oxnard :) wish me luck.... <3

oh and still waiting for them to call me about my job....rawr I hate waiting :(

As for now, I am going to try to sleep and wake up refreshed and clear headed for my long and complicated day tomorrow...he's gonna need me

RAWR! = I love you in dinosaur

....now if only I could say it in English
What would be better is for someone to say it back. One of my favorite things is when all the summer editions of all the magazines come out and they all have the same quiz/article "is it just a summer fling or the real thing?" Ok first of all, no magazine is gonna tell me that. And second of all, flings are no bueno in my book. Tried that and it was the worst thing ever; more drama than a real relationship. At least the drama in a relationship is worth it, working toward getting closer or stronger, but in a fling, it's all just a waste of time. I wouldn't mind having a short real relationship that didn't work out because at least I know I tried. Whatever, it's not like I have to be worrying about it for a while, my love life needs a break.
But of course that probably isn't going to happen because in a few days I am going home and that means my significant jerk face/ douche bag, depending on which friend you are talking to, will be around. I don't know what I think about all that yet, but we will see if and when it happens.

This summer, I have three goals: 1. get a job and SAVE the money 2. keep up the diet, in fact, pump it up a bit and 3. get close with my girls again. I think the latter of the group is the most important to me. I miss them soooooo much and I can tell they miss me too. We have all been trying to get together and plan for the summer over the last few weeks I just want it to happen already. I will see one of my babies tonight after a very long overdue night of talking. Hopefully I can take a day to drive to long beach with everyone so we can all hang out like we used to. Spending our days on the beach with friends, fire, and of course food. :)

One other thing I want to do is see my best friend, FINALLY. I swear I am going to drive over there and pull him out of his house by his toes. hehe not literally but goodness.

Well one more final and I'm done....here's to an optimistic summer <3





Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue lyrics

There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away