How did I get here?

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me

-Pink! Sober

midnight freewrite

there is something more magical about writing the old fashion way, paper and pencil. it's like looking at art; the colors and brush strokes tell more about the painting then the whole, completed piece. This is the same with writing. by studying the lines, the applied pressure, the emotion of frustration portrayed through quick, messy letter vs. the calmness of the cursive lines of a love letter.

today was harsh and unsettling. finding reality thrust in one's face is never easy. moving out of the daydreams and into the real world, that was today. i find people cannot be trusted of counted on. the one thing you look forward to is gone. the person you trusted turns. fights break out. old drama reemerges. in the end, an inviting surprise. humanity is selfish and self serving. I doubt i will ever find someone who puts my well-being and happiness above theirs, for that would be asking them to move past their natural selves. such higher levels of humanity is rare and, unfortunately, makes it the most desirable. now to be as them and concentrate on myself. then, possibly, it will stop hurting...

are we there yet?

I need to turn this all around
go back to the beginning
remember why we started on this
in the first place

we talk about building bridges
moving over them
but I'm afraid
I've broken this one in the middle

it's crushed
and splintered
like my feelings
and my emotions

my mind swirls
like driving forward
in a whirlwind of
thought and doubt

how did we get here
we left our happy place
now its dark
and scary

I want to go back
I just want to go home
back to the tingles and magic
when we kiss

don't leave me yet
I need you to help me through the dark
get back to the road
and follow the light
back to our happy place

The Rules

The rules of love; it's actually a very confusing subject. Who ever made these rules anyway? I can't call when I want to because it's needy, and I can't be too nice because that makes me too easy. I can't cry when I need to because then I'm too emotional and I can't speak my mind when I'm unhappy because that will scare him away. And don't even think about being mean because that is just not attractive. So I'm supposed to be somewhere between mildly available and too busy to care, but not too nice and sort of a bitch. It's no wonder no one has an honest and strong relationship anymore. Our relationships are based on rules that make us change who we are, so when we do crack (and we do crack) we look like psychos. How am I supposed to grow closer to someone when I can't even be honest? The best part is when you do eventually crack, 80% of the time they sit there and say "Why didn't you say this earlier?" Well I'll tell you why, the rules said I couldn't.
So now to make a decision; should I play the game? I guess I have to.

non-existence

Days like this make me wish I could skip back in time just to change some things around. Slip into non-existence for a while. But of course that is not possible so now I just have to deal with the decisions I have made.
This object, this bracelet that meant so much to me is gone. Gone into that non-existence and with it, I feel, this budding relationship. Is it his fault, no. He gave it to me years ago. Was it his fault I lost it,that I grew too attached, that I messed it all up? No,that was on me. Why is it I cannot just let it all go and take that leap, to trust him and forget the past? The past is no longer in existence except in my own mind and in my heart, the most dangerous place for it to be. I know it is not fair, but at the same time I feel as if I need reassurance. I need to see a path, some direction. I need reciprocation instead of feeling as if I on this path solo; just falling into non-existence once again....

who's your daddy?

I never thought that my whole perspective on life could change in a few weeks, but I think that is exactly what is happening to me.I just got back from a wonderful trip in Italy and Greece in which my whole world just opened up to me. I had some great times and hope to return one day. But, by the end of it I was wanting to just come home. I missed my family and my friends. What is great is I didn't miss HIM. But of course, the first call I got as I walked into the door to my house was HIM and HE wanted to see me. Was it stupid to go with him, probably...maybe just blindly hopeful. Regardless, it was an o.k. night. Not free of bad decisions and impulse but not horrible either. But, of course in true idiot fashion, HE had to prove me wrong. Today was filled with screaming, cussing, and just plain Rebecca and HIM old fashion fighting. What wasn't the same was the end of the conversation; him saying "it's alright...who's your daddy?" ... I'll let that part sink in....waiting....got it...good....WHAT THE F***! It was if he was mocking me, like the whole few hours of me being so mad at him didn't even phase him, he knew I would just forget it. How disgusting is that. How pathetic of me. How DISRESPECTFUL is HE. Not to mention the whole reason we were fighting was that he was a RUDE DISRESPECTFUL JERK. Needless to say I hung up on his ass after a few choice words.

I decided to take a long shower in which I thought about what had just gone down. I was mad at him but worse I was mad at myself. How can I expect him to respect me when I don't respect myself. It would be nice if he did, but lets face it, it's HIM. How is anyone going to respect me for that matter?

My friend had a few great words for me: When you think about talking to HIM just ask yourself are you ready to let HIM disrespect you again? If so answer the phone...

this is my life.

all smiles :)

I kissed a boy and I liked it.... hehe

Loved falling asleep with the smell of his cologne still on my pillow. Really don't care if I just jinxed it, I had fun.

...well ok maybe a little