Two Steps Forwards....One Step Back.

♫ One step at a time there's no need to rush, it's like learning to fly or falling in love. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen That's when we find the reasons why, one step at a time ♫

Step one: first goal accomplished.
So everyone knows that I am on this diet. If I must be honest, I was starting to get a bit frustrated with it. But, I know that if I don't do this now I may never do it. So this week, I went to check my weight and I have lost 10 pounds! Actually its 9.8 but whatever I rounded up so sue me. I am very excited and now I am more confident in going forward with this.

Step two: getting shit done
Ok, if anyone has actually looked at my desk, you would see a bunch of sticky notes. I live off my sticky notes. I even have sticky notes on my desktop. I don't know what it was about this particular week, but I feel like everything just decided to pile up on me. However, I mastered my talent of procrastination and got everything done. I even started working on long term things that I have just been avoiding, like looking up adult confirmation classes. I hope I can keep this up for the next few weeks of school and then finally a vacation!

One step back: you guessed it....he's back
Well kind of. I was so happy that I hadn't talked to him, and it was much easier considering he had a girlfriend. But one day, I think it was Tuesday, I see on fb that he is single. I had a feeling that would happen but of course I just wanted him to be happy and think positively. So when I see he is single I think, I give him 24 hours at the most to talk to me. And sure enough, he messaged me. It was nothing big, but I honestly felt kinda mad after. I wanted to be done so badly. I do miss him, but I know he isn't who he used to be so I am still trying to keep my distance. Maybe one day it will work out, but not now.

"im so over it, ive been there and back."

It honestly feels like an eternity since I have spoken to him, but in reality it has been two weeks. I don't know why I miss him besides the fact that it's just normal for me to, even routine, just to talk to him on a random basis just to keep in touch and a random secret rendezvous. But now I know that I just can't do that anymore. I hope he's happy now. As for me, I am doing pretty good without him. I am happy and finding new people to occupy my time...hehe. The only problem I am having now is the person that I have been hanging out with is not really the best choice for me. Originally, he had a very bad reputation. But he has completely disproved that and shown me a really amazing side of him. But, of course, there is one downfall...it's not gonna last. In a few weeks school will be over and he will be gone. I tell myself to just let it go and have some fun, but I don't know if I am capable of doing that at this point of my life. Where do I draw the line? Love is the best game to win and the worst to lose.

Epiphany

Over this spring break I had quiet a few very interesting moments that have stuck in my head until today. The first was, in my opinion, very silly. Even though I am 20 years old, I don't think of myself as an adult, or a WOMAN for that matter. Yes, technically I am female, but I think the title of Man or Woman comes with a larger connotation of responsibility and overall togetherness. I was in target with my mother when I decided to buy a multivitamin since everyone keeps telling me it's a good thing to do. So as I am glancing over rows and rows of vitamins, I pick up "woman's" multivitamin as I can't get 50+ or the teen blend. I sat there for a second and looked at this bottle which had a note, "supports healthy breast and heart health," and it kind of hits me. Hello! This is your adult life, you better take care of yourself. You see so many women getting breast cancer and cancer of the heart, but not once did I think oh well that might happen to me because I am too young. This is still sort of true as it is unlikely that I would get cancer right now, but it is not impossible. I need to start taking care of my health better.Especially now with my sister suddenly being diagnosed with cervical and ovarian cancer. Not to mention start acting like an adult so hopefully I can gain the title of Woman with pride not just age.

Another lasting moment I experienced was when I was at my, recently deceased, Grandmother's house. I had been avoiding her house for weeks just because I felt that being there without her would be too painful. However, the day was very enjoyable as I was able to visit with family members that I normally did not get to see very often. I was finally at the "adult table," having very interesting conversations on traveling, the economy, the future and the legalization of marijuana. lol I felt happy knowing that is exactly what my Grandmother would have wanted for us.

Finally, sudden and sort of hurtful news has given me the greatest boost that I have had in a very long time. Everyone that really knows me knows about my past relationships and how that stupid games have messed with my head and heart for years. Now, I have the best opportunity to just move on and forget it all. I cannot think with my heart any longer on this because right now, my head has all the answers I need. My heart hurt a little when I found out he has moved on, officially now, but I realized that it was more of my ego that felt the sting. Realistically, I know that he is no good for me and probably will never be and I cannot be that selfish and to be mad because he moved on first. Mind you, thinking about it all, I realized I moved on a long time ago, those boys just happened to be jerks just like him. Now, I just feel sorry for that girl, she probably has no clue...poor thing. But now, I'm worrying solely about myself. Boys will not be part of the picture, except of course for my friends and bff that just-so-happen to be male :). I am letting go of my initial views of life and love and for once just want to have fun, even if it is short term. I don't need to be tied down, I'm 20 for goodness sakes!

So in honor of this new lease on life, I'm forgetting everything and everyone that has done me wrong and letting it go. This does not mean I will ever forget, but it will not run my life and my emotions any longer. This weekend, the girls and I are heading up to SF and having some freaking fun.

peace, <3, everything