handle...

So, once again, JUST AS I PREDICTED, my lovely little idiot showed up today. For serious, I love how I know how my life is going to work out just cause it's a pattern that has been going on for about idk, 5 years lol. So he called and we talked about random ish then I told him he should come over and pick up a journal that I have had of his for like years. The other great thing, he doesn't have to call when he is at my door, I just know he's there so I walked to my door and he was there just hitting the door bell. Anywhos, about 20 mins of him and I remember why I don't like him. I really think he acts weird cause I intimidate him. I find it hilarious. Anyways, glad that is dealt with for now it was getting annoying.

So the rest of my day was lovely and productive with my new and clean mind. I filled out an application to work at school over the summer, I really hope that goes through. ::crosses fingers::

So now to look forward to shopping with my mother tomorrow and seeing Riddhi this weeking, pending any last minute changes... and lets face it, with my life, they will probably happen.

I just need to learn to handle my ish and push through it, while doing it in classic rebecca style; smiling and laughing the whole time :)

-Everything <3

"It started with the perfect kiss then We could feel the poison set in"...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson

I knew this would happen, but I still didn't want it to. Yesterday, I visited with a group of my friends in Long Beach. We had fun dishing out random stories and being silly like we always were. However, it was impossible not to feel the slightest feeling that we are all changing and moving. The only question is are we moving closer or further apart? I hope it's not the latter....

At the beginning of the summer I said I could predict but didn't hope that Erik would be around again. And sure enough, it's started. It's not that big YET, I just don't know where to go. Yesterday Erik called me right when he woke up, which was interesting in it's own sense. We talked for a while and I told him I was going with my friends to Long Beach. Now, once upon a time, Erik was in our group of "friends." But now considering how the story of Erik and I played out, they aren't always so fond of him and he has gradually moved out of our circle. Mind you, this was a long time ago, like when we were still in high school. Anyways, when I told him where I was going and whom I was going with, HE WANTED TO COME! I was like....um what? are you serious? and he was. I just don't know why he would want to do that? Whatever, he didn't end up coming cause it was a GIRLS ONLY day lol.

The horrible part was yet to come. So at 11:11pm Gardy and I always wish. Well we try anyways. Like at 11:10 I'll text him...Ready? and he responds GO! at 11:11. It's silly but I think it's cute. So, every time, I wish for the same thing. You can probably guess what, or who, it is. However, last night, before I could think, I thought I wish for Erik. I opened my eyes like I had just woke up from a nightmare and was terrified. Tiffani looked at me all worried and I just said OMG...OMG. I tried to think again, like to repeal my wish before it got to the little wish fairies, and again I thought Erik. I wanted to cry. What does that mean? That can't be what I really want...can it?

stupid heart...get it together

waking up in vegas...

Ok so I didn't run away and get married like the song implies but I still had a great time during swan week in Vegas. Even though we are not twenty-one Brandy, Josh and I had a fun time lounging around being trampled by Sadie the puppy. Finally got to spend some time in a pool and got a bit darker. I also got to see my first Cirque Du Soleil show Believe with Criss Angel. It was very creepy and incredible; exactly what I expected. We even got to meet up with Swan's cousins who are so hilarious it's unbelievable. I can't wait to talk to them about Brandy's wedding, especially when I need backup.

However, I can't lie, at times I felt like the third wheel. I don't think it was anything anyone could have really done anything about, it's just me.

Anyways, I'm home now and HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO! Stupid weather makes me want to sleep all day. Maybe I'll take a drive and see where I end up....

oh this week..

HAS BEEN AMAZING!
past a few little "speed bumps" I had a lot of fun with some amazing people. Tuesday I finally went up to Oxnard and met my best friend Gardy. Tiffani and I drove up to Thousand Oaks and hung out at The Oaks mall. It's a very pretty mall in which Tiffani and I decided we need to go back because she wants a dress. Silly girl I know. It took us about and hour and a half to get there from West Covina. Probably wouldn't have taken so long if I didn't have to drive to my mom's job and then put gas in her car. After almost killing Tiffani, her words not mine I think I drive just fine, we made it. We walked around the mall for two hours because BFF got stuck in traffic. So then he calls me and says he's there and I instantly get butterflies in my stomach. We start walking back to the center of the mall to meet him when for some reason I decided to look up. And there he was. He was standing there, leaning over the second floor railing with this little smirk on his face. Without thinking I just say...Hi. At this point Tiffani looks up, see's creeper looking down at us and she screams. hahahaha. Oh my cubby. I then yelled at Gardy, "you scared her you big meany." hahaha. After meeting up on the top of the escalator we proceed to leave the mall, which took another fifteen minutes cause Gardy lead us up the stairs then around, then back up before he remembered where he parked. I swear we are exactly the same. We then start our trip up the coast to Santa Barbara. That trip included Gardy being a spazz with the radio, me in aviator sunglasses that I am going to steal from him, and a lot of laughs. Santa Barbara was pretty as you can see in the pictures. Heading back, Gardy almost killed us when he turned onto a one way street in the wrong direction. hahaha. Then we started the drive home and we all decided we wanted to eat at taco bell. So I look it up on my navigator where we end up at "Taco Inn." Then Gardy uses his Iphone and we end up going on this weird trek around Thousand Oaks. We end up at a jack in the box with an ordering kiosk. The funniest thing of the day by far. After sitting and dying of laugher we head back and Tiffani and I head home. I remember sitting in bed that night with a sense of disbelief, "Did that really happen? OMG" It was a great day and I can't wait to do it again, hopefully sooner than later.
The rest of the week had Tiffani and myself hanging out a lot. I love that girl and I am really glad I am getting to spend some time with her. We got A LOT of yogurt which let us see Claudia too. We went to the mall and watched Enchanted. I am so glad I have these girls in my life and now I can't wait to see the rest of them. It's gonna kill me when I have to go back to school in the fall....

Fail.

That is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel right now. I was looking forward to today because I wanted to see my friends, but of course, it didn't work out. Just like my plans for tomorrow to see Gardy, which of course I can't do because I have a funeral to go to. I just want out of here. Now I'm sitting in my room just wanting to bawl my eyes out and I have no freakin clue why. I feel stupid and kind of crazy. I guess I'm just frustrated with everything. All I can think about right now is Jeff. I have started to feel a very deep sense of guilt over what happened to him, like what if I would have just went over there, what if I took him to the ER would this all of happened? I know it's a horrible and pointless game to play but I still do it. I feel horrible and just want to let it all out but I feel so stupid that I can't. Classic story of heart vs. head. I have been told so many times in my life that I am "too emotional" that I have learned to hide most all of my emotions completely. When I do finally crack, lets just say its bad. I wanted to talk to Erik about all of this but of course he is out with friends. I hate calling my other friends sometimes because I know they just get annoyed with me. I'm very frustrating to deal with I know.
Now I can only think about him and I feel worse then I already did. I think about how Jeff is, so attached to a person that doesn't like him back, and I wonder if that is what I am doing, making all of this up in my head. Maybe there is no hope in it at all. How pathetic is that. We can't even figure out how to even see each other once in two years of talking to each other, its absolute nonsense. Maybe it's time I face reality, let it all go, and accept my stupidity for what it is. I Fail.

Overdose.

I cannot believe that I have been home for ONE WEEK and there is already drama. I swear I attract it like a magnet or something. For the first few days I was fine, hiding out in my room, making it all pretty and organized. Wednesday I went out with my cubby aka. Tiffani and it was wonderful. I miss her lovely smile and stories. Her optimism and realistic nature gives me hope and keeps me grounded. I know that she is going through some hard times and it kills me because, despite her strong appearance, I know she is hurting. In time I know she will be crack, I just hope she knows that I will be there for her to help put the pieces back together. <3
Last night was the beginning of the downfall. Paul called me all upset because he had broken up with his girlfriend. So he ends up calling this girl named Kristina, a girl that our friend Jeff is very fond of, and hangs out with her. I told him this was not a good idea, but of course Paul doesn't listen to me. So Jeff is texting me and Paul and he realizes that Kristina is with us, which hence caused Jeff to get really upset and take all 20 pills of his anti depression medication landing him right in the emergency room. I found out that he was in the hospital today and started talking to Paul on when we should go. He said we would go around 6. 6 rolled around, no Paul. 7...no Paul. Come to find out that he is at his job, where he is not even working tonight, hanging out with Kristina again and this other girl Amanda. I am soooooooo mad at him right now. I really cannot believe how selfish and pig headed that boy can be. I never want to speak to that kid ever again.

Today caused me to get in contact with a few people I have not spoken to in quiet a while. One of them being Erik. We actually had a very nice conversation, beginning with Jeff and what we are going to do with this situation, and then just talking about life. It's days like this when I remember what we were, who he was once upon a time when I loved him. But, even as we talked today, we know that was two years ago and we really can't dwell on the past, especially on the bad. We know that we are friends and we will be for a long time. We know that it is hard for people to understand how two people that used to date, that used to be in love, that had a horrible break up can be friends, but then again, I have never been part of the norm and do not intend to start now. I love him and always will on some level and I believe the same goes for him.

Now I am sitting in my room wondering if Jeff, who is now in surgery, is ok. With every ring and vibration of my phone I hold my breath. I just have to hope for the best, hopefully I will see him tomorrow. Other then that, I can't wait to see my friends on Sunday. My first beach day of the summer! Then Monday will be my trip up to Oxnard :) wish me luck.... <3

oh and still waiting for them to call me about my job....rawr I hate waiting :(

As for now, I am going to try to sleep and wake up refreshed and clear headed for my long and complicated day tomorrow...he's gonna need me

RAWR! = I love you in dinosaur

....now if only I could say it in English
What would be better is for someone to say it back. One of my favorite things is when all the summer editions of all the magazines come out and they all have the same quiz/article "is it just a summer fling or the real thing?" Ok first of all, no magazine is gonna tell me that. And second of all, flings are no bueno in my book. Tried that and it was the worst thing ever; more drama than a real relationship. At least the drama in a relationship is worth it, working toward getting closer or stronger, but in a fling, it's all just a waste of time. I wouldn't mind having a short real relationship that didn't work out because at least I know I tried. Whatever, it's not like I have to be worrying about it for a while, my love life needs a break.
But of course that probably isn't going to happen because in a few days I am going home and that means my significant jerk face/ douche bag, depending on which friend you are talking to, will be around. I don't know what I think about all that yet, but we will see if and when it happens.

This summer, I have three goals: 1. get a job and SAVE the money 2. keep up the diet, in fact, pump it up a bit and 3. get close with my girls again. I think the latter of the group is the most important to me. I miss them soooooo much and I can tell they miss me too. We have all been trying to get together and plan for the summer over the last few weeks I just want it to happen already. I will see one of my babies tonight after a very long overdue night of talking. Hopefully I can take a day to drive to long beach with everyone so we can all hang out like we used to. Spending our days on the beach with friends, fire, and of course food. :)

One other thing I want to do is see my best friend, FINALLY. I swear I am going to drive over there and pull him out of his house by his toes. hehe not literally but goodness.

Well one more final and I'm done....here's to an optimistic summer <3





Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue lyrics

There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away