How did I get here?

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me

-Pink! Sober

midnight freewrite

there is something more magical about writing the old fashion way, paper and pencil. it's like looking at art; the colors and brush strokes tell more about the painting then the whole, completed piece. This is the same with writing. by studying the lines, the applied pressure, the emotion of frustration portrayed through quick, messy letter vs. the calmness of the cursive lines of a love letter.

today was harsh and unsettling. finding reality thrust in one's face is never easy. moving out of the daydreams and into the real world, that was today. i find people cannot be trusted of counted on. the one thing you look forward to is gone. the person you trusted turns. fights break out. old drama reemerges. in the end, an inviting surprise. humanity is selfish and self serving. I doubt i will ever find someone who puts my well-being and happiness above theirs, for that would be asking them to move past their natural selves. such higher levels of humanity is rare and, unfortunately, makes it the most desirable. now to be as them and concentrate on myself. then, possibly, it will stop hurting...

are we there yet?

I need to turn this all around
go back to the beginning
remember why we started on this
in the first place

we talk about building bridges
moving over them
but I'm afraid
I've broken this one in the middle

it's crushed
and splintered
like my feelings
and my emotions

my mind swirls
like driving forward
in a whirlwind of
thought and doubt

how did we get here
we left our happy place
now its dark
and scary

I want to go back
I just want to go home
back to the tingles and magic
when we kiss

don't leave me yet
I need you to help me through the dark
get back to the road
and follow the light
back to our happy place

The Rules

The rules of love; it's actually a very confusing subject. Who ever made these rules anyway? I can't call when I want to because it's needy, and I can't be too nice because that makes me too easy. I can't cry when I need to because then I'm too emotional and I can't speak my mind when I'm unhappy because that will scare him away. And don't even think about being mean because that is just not attractive. So I'm supposed to be somewhere between mildly available and too busy to care, but not too nice and sort of a bitch. It's no wonder no one has an honest and strong relationship anymore. Our relationships are based on rules that make us change who we are, so when we do crack (and we do crack) we look like psychos. How am I supposed to grow closer to someone when I can't even be honest? The best part is when you do eventually crack, 80% of the time they sit there and say "Why didn't you say this earlier?" Well I'll tell you why, the rules said I couldn't.
So now to make a decision; should I play the game? I guess I have to.

non-existence

Days like this make me wish I could skip back in time just to change some things around. Slip into non-existence for a while. But of course that is not possible so now I just have to deal with the decisions I have made.
This object, this bracelet that meant so much to me is gone. Gone into that non-existence and with it, I feel, this budding relationship. Is it his fault, no. He gave it to me years ago. Was it his fault I lost it,that I grew too attached, that I messed it all up? No,that was on me. Why is it I cannot just let it all go and take that leap, to trust him and forget the past? The past is no longer in existence except in my own mind and in my heart, the most dangerous place for it to be. I know it is not fair, but at the same time I feel as if I need reassurance. I need to see a path, some direction. I need reciprocation instead of feeling as if I on this path solo; just falling into non-existence once again....

who's your daddy?

I never thought that my whole perspective on life could change in a few weeks, but I think that is exactly what is happening to me.I just got back from a wonderful trip in Italy and Greece in which my whole world just opened up to me. I had some great times and hope to return one day. But, by the end of it I was wanting to just come home. I missed my family and my friends. What is great is I didn't miss HIM. But of course, the first call I got as I walked into the door to my house was HIM and HE wanted to see me. Was it stupid to go with him, probably...maybe just blindly hopeful. Regardless, it was an o.k. night. Not free of bad decisions and impulse but not horrible either. But, of course in true idiot fashion, HE had to prove me wrong. Today was filled with screaming, cussing, and just plain Rebecca and HIM old fashion fighting. What wasn't the same was the end of the conversation; him saying "it's alright...who's your daddy?" ... I'll let that part sink in....waiting....got it...good....WHAT THE F***! It was if he was mocking me, like the whole few hours of me being so mad at him didn't even phase him, he knew I would just forget it. How disgusting is that. How pathetic of me. How DISRESPECTFUL is HE. Not to mention the whole reason we were fighting was that he was a RUDE DISRESPECTFUL JERK. Needless to say I hung up on his ass after a few choice words.

I decided to take a long shower in which I thought about what had just gone down. I was mad at him but worse I was mad at myself. How can I expect him to respect me when I don't respect myself. It would be nice if he did, but lets face it, it's HIM. How is anyone going to respect me for that matter?

My friend had a few great words for me: When you think about talking to HIM just ask yourself are you ready to let HIM disrespect you again? If so answer the phone...

this is my life.

all smiles :)

I kissed a boy and I liked it.... hehe

Loved falling asleep with the smell of his cologne still on my pillow. Really don't care if I just jinxed it, I had fun.

...well ok maybe a little

mamma said there would be days like this

i hate days like today the days where i wish i could escape my thoughts the days where i remember why i liked to smoke or drink when risky behavior was exciting and freeing

today is one of those days where i wish i had someone my prince charming to swoop in and make me feel like everything will be ok

but the reality is, i don't have that all I have is this pressure building behind my eyes and heaviness in my heart and there is no escape

i wish i didn't have days like this
because days like this just suck

ramen and rain

Rain in my life always equals one thing, trouble. I have notice that as soon as it rains people get a little more frisky. I really don't know what it is or why it happens it just does.

So as I am talking to friends online about how I think I'm finally over it, guess who pops up on my computer. Oh yes, him. People swear that I make this up, I assure you I don't. It's creepy! I swear there is this radar we have for each other. I want it turned OFF! So the rain always meant a little bit more to us. I would describe, but I really don't need to go off on another walk down memory lane. Oh but he made me mad. More then that I was mad at me. Why was I even second guessing myself. There was no question, the answer is no. no no NO! Yet I never said it, I just smiled and played nice. When it comes down to it, I think I am afraid. Now if I could figure out what I'm afraid of and why I feel that way it would be great.

Then there is the other one. The amazing one. The one that makes me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. We have gotten pretty open about things lately and its been very interesting having those conversations. We have never talked about those things before. I just don't know what it means. Why does it have to mean anything?

On a brighter note, I went to church. Now this sounds silly but I haven't gone in a very long time and it has been something I have wanted to do for a while. Now wanting to do it and actually doing it was harder then it sounds for me. When I think about church and my faith all I feel is shame. I am afraid to go back because I know I cannot be perfect, even though I know in my religion I don't have to be. It's just a weird complex I have. I don't like the shame and the embarrassment. However, I'm going to try I really am, to get over it and come back to church. I say that because I never lost my faith but the guilt took over and it was hard for me to go back. Confession on Saturday, needless to say it's gonna be a hard night. Hopefully I will feel better after it's all said and done.

Tonight: Tiffani + ramen noodles = happy
Saturday: Confession then party, ironic huh lol

Planners...

they are great really
agendas, planners, calendars
keeping everyday tasks neatly marked
color coded- highlighted
making sure every moment of life is
clearly determined
never to mis-plan, overbook
forget an assignment
birthday, day off and holidays

until of course....
your world is turned upside down
suddenly your agenda
marked with lines
crosses or white out
continues for days
weeks
of unplanned days
why plan?
does defining something make if more comfortable?
giving a false sense of security
its the same with the days of life
God seems to try to
remind us
to live
or He will make
you live
suddenly blowing your tire
an illness
or a loss
and your planner
agenda, calendar
means nothing
and your left to your own basic emotions
instincts
even though your days are
fulls of x's and crossed out words
the days continue to move
with each turn of the page
until once again you return to color coded
packed days to wait
for the next shock


R.I.P. Grandpa Gianni

plateau

Main Entry:
1pla·teau Listen to the pronunciation of 1plateau
Pronunciation:
\pla-ˈtō, ˈpla-ˌ\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural plateaus or pla·teaux Listen to the pronunciation of plateaux \-ˈtōz, -ˌtōz\
Etymology:
French, from Middle French, platter, from plat flat
Date:
1796

1 a: a usually extensive land area having a relatively level surface raised sharply above adjacent land on at least one side : tableland b: a similar undersea feature2 a: a region of little or no change in a graphic representation b: a relatively stable level, period, or condition3: a level of attainment or achievement


That is pretty much the best way I know how to describe what is going on right now.

A. I have hit the dreaded plateau in my diet. For the last three weeks I have no gained or lost weight, which I guess is kind of a good thing...right? But in all honesty I really need to get back on it because I have been slacking off. I blame the summer parties with all the BBQ foods...mmmmm yummy. I have started the whole work out thing but I think I need to get harder on myself with that too.

B. Finances. Goodness I wish it was a plateau instead of a constant incline of debt. But hopefully for myself, and my family, I can start getting back to a steady plateau of incoming checks. :) Today I went to my brothers and filled out some paperwork to be a leasing agent. Also, I got an email from my boss at school and maybe I can work for him in the summer for the month of August. Hopefully this mess all turns around.

and of course, there has to be one downfall in the mountain of my life. Today when I was driving home, my car died. So now I'm waiting to see if it was just a little problem like a water pipe, or a blown engine. Considering how things are going, its probably going to be the later. I don't think my family can take anymore bad news.

I am really missing school now, even though I know that when I go back its going to suck because my roommate will be in another country. And whats even better, because of all this bonding and reuniting I have been doing with my loves, I am sooooo gonna be sad when I can't see them everyday.

What I want right now, what I REALLY REALLY REALLY want, is to get a job for one, and to have him here. I want him to make that effort to see me. We stayed up last night talking and me trying to help him with his computer issues and we got on the topic of friends not being there for one another. He was complaining about a friend of his, and I'm like ok then get over here and hold me cause right now I need you.

Alright I'm done with my ranting, I guess I'll sleep now. Hopefully tomorrow will be oh so much better. :)

To: HIM

I need to write this to get it off my chest...
I wish I could say this to you for real but I don't know if I am strong enough yet. You have been my everything and the worst thing for me at the same time. I don't understand how we have grown into such different and disagreeable people. Quiet frankly it kills me. We used to be so cool, all we needed was each others presence. Words were not even necessary for us, all I needed to hear was the sound of you breathing or the rate of your heartbeat to understand exactly what you were thinking. But all of that is changed now. I look at you and I don't know the person looking back at me. I know your still there because when I hug you, my head fits right into your chest and I hear your heart. Our rhythm was once in sync. But now your on your own path. I can tell by your actions and the words you speak, once soooo passionate now hard. I hate it. I hate this person who you are. I have told myself, no my guy is still in there and I still get glimpses of him when I see you....

But that is a lie, denial. You are what you do. I cannot tell myself that it's just a phase any longer. If that is who you want to be I cannot do anything for you. I wish I could say you don't effect me. Oh how I wish I could. But today was just another example of how you still hold a special part of me. I have one request; can I have my old self back, that part you took? When you changed you took me, the girl I used to know when I looked at myself in the mirror. Today I was angry, I yelled, I cried, I walked out of a dance class because you made me so frustrated. That's not me...that's never been me. I want me back. I know that this is on me but the first step of that is the realization I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU BACK,especially the "you" I loved. Quiet frankly the BOY I see once a month (because I need a reminder of why we don't talk anymore) disgusts me. I can't be there for you anymore, regardless of all circumstances. You want to say your a man, act all bad, start acting like one for real. Don't rely on me, your back up for everything for the last 2 years. Stand up and man up. Most importantly, leave me out of it.

sincerely,
the WOMAN you will never have back, who doesn't need you,the reminder of the BIGGEST mistake you ever made, and the best thing that you have ever had...

Rebecca Irene Valdez

oh that's gonna hurt tomorrow....

I finally started to see the silver lining in this whole predicament I am in with this whole job search. Today I had my interview with Macy's and it went very well. That is until the end when the woman interviewing me let me know that they did not have any more positions open as of YESTERDAY. I was so bummed especially because I could have had my interview last week but I rescheduled because I already had plans with Riddhi (no worries girlie it was all worth it). So that pretty much made me really upset and frustrated. I seriously sulked in my room with my dog, who isn't supposed to be in the house but I didn't care, all afternoon.
But then Claudia, my personal cheerleader texted me and wanted to know if I still wanted to go to our class today. I was hesitant about it just because of my crappy mood but I decided to go. On the way there I talked to Claudia about what was going on and we decided that we are going to take the rest of the summer and worry about ourselves. We are going to class every single day! I am going to die haha. But I'm glad I have her to go with. So we went to class and it totally kicked my ass. I feel so good, both physically and just generally about myself. I have done so much and have come so far in the improvement of myself, I just can't believe it. I am so proud to say I know myself so much better and I have come to embrace my potential.Plus I am so happy to be dancing again, bloody toes and all!

and now time for frozen yogurt with Claudia

how I love summer :)

putting my dancing shoes on...

well this summer is going down in the history books. Even though the job hunt has been brutal, I am glad that I have free time to be with my friends. I finally got to see my lovely roomie on Thursday. We made food and talked like the days when we would sit up all night in our dorm room. Then we got to rendezvous in chino hills with my girlfriends for Riddhi's first time with sushi. It was so much fun, my sister even came out with us. I love all of them so much.

Tonight I got to put my jazz shoes on! Claudia, Zaira, and Brittany took a dance/cardio/conditioning class; lets just say it was intense. I think I'm gonna go back tomorrow night. I feel good because I have found a way to get active again. Hopefully it will help me up my weight loss/diet plans.

So today my mother and father left to go visit my grandparents and being home alone is kind of creeping me out. I think I'm gonna put my dog in my room tonight lol. But, I'm not gonna lie, I miss my mother. Like I came home and she wasn't here and I was like awww so alone, so quiet.

So tomorrow is my interview and I really REALLY hope I get it. Wish me luck <3

handle...

So, once again, JUST AS I PREDICTED, my lovely little idiot showed up today. For serious, I love how I know how my life is going to work out just cause it's a pattern that has been going on for about idk, 5 years lol. So he called and we talked about random ish then I told him he should come over and pick up a journal that I have had of his for like years. The other great thing, he doesn't have to call when he is at my door, I just know he's there so I walked to my door and he was there just hitting the door bell. Anywhos, about 20 mins of him and I remember why I don't like him. I really think he acts weird cause I intimidate him. I find it hilarious. Anyways, glad that is dealt with for now it was getting annoying.

So the rest of my day was lovely and productive with my new and clean mind. I filled out an application to work at school over the summer, I really hope that goes through. ::crosses fingers::

So now to look forward to shopping with my mother tomorrow and seeing Riddhi this weeking, pending any last minute changes... and lets face it, with my life, they will probably happen.

I just need to learn to handle my ish and push through it, while doing it in classic rebecca style; smiling and laughing the whole time :)

-Everything <3

"It started with the perfect kiss then We could feel the poison set in"...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson

I knew this would happen, but I still didn't want it to. Yesterday, I visited with a group of my friends in Long Beach. We had fun dishing out random stories and being silly like we always were. However, it was impossible not to feel the slightest feeling that we are all changing and moving. The only question is are we moving closer or further apart? I hope it's not the latter....

At the beginning of the summer I said I could predict but didn't hope that Erik would be around again. And sure enough, it's started. It's not that big YET, I just don't know where to go. Yesterday Erik called me right when he woke up, which was interesting in it's own sense. We talked for a while and I told him I was going with my friends to Long Beach. Now, once upon a time, Erik was in our group of "friends." But now considering how the story of Erik and I played out, they aren't always so fond of him and he has gradually moved out of our circle. Mind you, this was a long time ago, like when we were still in high school. Anyways, when I told him where I was going and whom I was going with, HE WANTED TO COME! I was like....um what? are you serious? and he was. I just don't know why he would want to do that? Whatever, he didn't end up coming cause it was a GIRLS ONLY day lol.

The horrible part was yet to come. So at 11:11pm Gardy and I always wish. Well we try anyways. Like at 11:10 I'll text him...Ready? and he responds GO! at 11:11. It's silly but I think it's cute. So, every time, I wish for the same thing. You can probably guess what, or who, it is. However, last night, before I could think, I thought I wish for Erik. I opened my eyes like I had just woke up from a nightmare and was terrified. Tiffani looked at me all worried and I just said OMG...OMG. I tried to think again, like to repeal my wish before it got to the little wish fairies, and again I thought Erik. I wanted to cry. What does that mean? That can't be what I really want...can it?

stupid heart...get it together

waking up in vegas...

Ok so I didn't run away and get married like the song implies but I still had a great time during swan week in Vegas. Even though we are not twenty-one Brandy, Josh and I had a fun time lounging around being trampled by Sadie the puppy. Finally got to spend some time in a pool and got a bit darker. I also got to see my first Cirque Du Soleil show Believe with Criss Angel. It was very creepy and incredible; exactly what I expected. We even got to meet up with Swan's cousins who are so hilarious it's unbelievable. I can't wait to talk to them about Brandy's wedding, especially when I need backup.

However, I can't lie, at times I felt like the third wheel. I don't think it was anything anyone could have really done anything about, it's just me.

Anyways, I'm home now and HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO! Stupid weather makes me want to sleep all day. Maybe I'll take a drive and see where I end up....

oh this week..

HAS BEEN AMAZING!
past a few little "speed bumps" I had a lot of fun with some amazing people. Tuesday I finally went up to Oxnard and met my best friend Gardy. Tiffani and I drove up to Thousand Oaks and hung out at The Oaks mall. It's a very pretty mall in which Tiffani and I decided we need to go back because she wants a dress. Silly girl I know. It took us about and hour and a half to get there from West Covina. Probably wouldn't have taken so long if I didn't have to drive to my mom's job and then put gas in her car. After almost killing Tiffani, her words not mine I think I drive just fine, we made it. We walked around the mall for two hours because BFF got stuck in traffic. So then he calls me and says he's there and I instantly get butterflies in my stomach. We start walking back to the center of the mall to meet him when for some reason I decided to look up. And there he was. He was standing there, leaning over the second floor railing with this little smirk on his face. Without thinking I just say...Hi. At this point Tiffani looks up, see's creeper looking down at us and she screams. hahahaha. Oh my cubby. I then yelled at Gardy, "you scared her you big meany." hahaha. After meeting up on the top of the escalator we proceed to leave the mall, which took another fifteen minutes cause Gardy lead us up the stairs then around, then back up before he remembered where he parked. I swear we are exactly the same. We then start our trip up the coast to Santa Barbara. That trip included Gardy being a spazz with the radio, me in aviator sunglasses that I am going to steal from him, and a lot of laughs. Santa Barbara was pretty as you can see in the pictures. Heading back, Gardy almost killed us when he turned onto a one way street in the wrong direction. hahaha. Then we started the drive home and we all decided we wanted to eat at taco bell. So I look it up on my navigator where we end up at "Taco Inn." Then Gardy uses his Iphone and we end up going on this weird trek around Thousand Oaks. We end up at a jack in the box with an ordering kiosk. The funniest thing of the day by far. After sitting and dying of laugher we head back and Tiffani and I head home. I remember sitting in bed that night with a sense of disbelief, "Did that really happen? OMG" It was a great day and I can't wait to do it again, hopefully sooner than later.
The rest of the week had Tiffani and myself hanging out a lot. I love that girl and I am really glad I am getting to spend some time with her. We got A LOT of yogurt which let us see Claudia too. We went to the mall and watched Enchanted. I am so glad I have these girls in my life and now I can't wait to see the rest of them. It's gonna kill me when I have to go back to school in the fall....

Fail.

That is the only word I can think of to describe how I feel right now. I was looking forward to today because I wanted to see my friends, but of course, it didn't work out. Just like my plans for tomorrow to see Gardy, which of course I can't do because I have a funeral to go to. I just want out of here. Now I'm sitting in my room just wanting to bawl my eyes out and I have no freakin clue why. I feel stupid and kind of crazy. I guess I'm just frustrated with everything. All I can think about right now is Jeff. I have started to feel a very deep sense of guilt over what happened to him, like what if I would have just went over there, what if I took him to the ER would this all of happened? I know it's a horrible and pointless game to play but I still do it. I feel horrible and just want to let it all out but I feel so stupid that I can't. Classic story of heart vs. head. I have been told so many times in my life that I am "too emotional" that I have learned to hide most all of my emotions completely. When I do finally crack, lets just say its bad. I wanted to talk to Erik about all of this but of course he is out with friends. I hate calling my other friends sometimes because I know they just get annoyed with me. I'm very frustrating to deal with I know.
Now I can only think about him and I feel worse then I already did. I think about how Jeff is, so attached to a person that doesn't like him back, and I wonder if that is what I am doing, making all of this up in my head. Maybe there is no hope in it at all. How pathetic is that. We can't even figure out how to even see each other once in two years of talking to each other, its absolute nonsense. Maybe it's time I face reality, let it all go, and accept my stupidity for what it is. I Fail.

Overdose.

I cannot believe that I have been home for ONE WEEK and there is already drama. I swear I attract it like a magnet or something. For the first few days I was fine, hiding out in my room, making it all pretty and organized. Wednesday I went out with my cubby aka. Tiffani and it was wonderful. I miss her lovely smile and stories. Her optimism and realistic nature gives me hope and keeps me grounded. I know that she is going through some hard times and it kills me because, despite her strong appearance, I know she is hurting. In time I know she will be crack, I just hope she knows that I will be there for her to help put the pieces back together. <3
Last night was the beginning of the downfall. Paul called me all upset because he had broken up with his girlfriend. So he ends up calling this girl named Kristina, a girl that our friend Jeff is very fond of, and hangs out with her. I told him this was not a good idea, but of course Paul doesn't listen to me. So Jeff is texting me and Paul and he realizes that Kristina is with us, which hence caused Jeff to get really upset and take all 20 pills of his anti depression medication landing him right in the emergency room. I found out that he was in the hospital today and started talking to Paul on when we should go. He said we would go around 6. 6 rolled around, no Paul. 7...no Paul. Come to find out that he is at his job, where he is not even working tonight, hanging out with Kristina again and this other girl Amanda. I am soooooooo mad at him right now. I really cannot believe how selfish and pig headed that boy can be. I never want to speak to that kid ever again.

Today caused me to get in contact with a few people I have not spoken to in quiet a while. One of them being Erik. We actually had a very nice conversation, beginning with Jeff and what we are going to do with this situation, and then just talking about life. It's days like this when I remember what we were, who he was once upon a time when I loved him. But, even as we talked today, we know that was two years ago and we really can't dwell on the past, especially on the bad. We know that we are friends and we will be for a long time. We know that it is hard for people to understand how two people that used to date, that used to be in love, that had a horrible break up can be friends, but then again, I have never been part of the norm and do not intend to start now. I love him and always will on some level and I believe the same goes for him.

Now I am sitting in my room wondering if Jeff, who is now in surgery, is ok. With every ring and vibration of my phone I hold my breath. I just have to hope for the best, hopefully I will see him tomorrow. Other then that, I can't wait to see my friends on Sunday. My first beach day of the summer! Then Monday will be my trip up to Oxnard :) wish me luck.... <3

oh and still waiting for them to call me about my job....rawr I hate waiting :(

As for now, I am going to try to sleep and wake up refreshed and clear headed for my long and complicated day tomorrow...he's gonna need me