ramen and rain

Rain in my life always equals one thing, trouble. I have notice that as soon as it rains people get a little more frisky. I really don't know what it is or why it happens it just does.

So as I am talking to friends online about how I think I'm finally over it, guess who pops up on my computer. Oh yes, him. People swear that I make this up, I assure you I don't. It's creepy! I swear there is this radar we have for each other. I want it turned OFF! So the rain always meant a little bit more to us. I would describe, but I really don't need to go off on another walk down memory lane. Oh but he made me mad. More then that I was mad at me. Why was I even second guessing myself. There was no question, the answer is no. no no NO! Yet I never said it, I just smiled and played nice. When it comes down to it, I think I am afraid. Now if I could figure out what I'm afraid of and why I feel that way it would be great.

Then there is the other one. The amazing one. The one that makes me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. We have gotten pretty open about things lately and its been very interesting having those conversations. We have never talked about those things before. I just don't know what it means. Why does it have to mean anything?

On a brighter note, I went to church. Now this sounds silly but I haven't gone in a very long time and it has been something I have wanted to do for a while. Now wanting to do it and actually doing it was harder then it sounds for me. When I think about church and my faith all I feel is shame. I am afraid to go back because I know I cannot be perfect, even though I know in my religion I don't have to be. It's just a weird complex I have. I don't like the shame and the embarrassment. However, I'm going to try I really am, to get over it and come back to church. I say that because I never lost my faith but the guilt took over and it was hard for me to go back. Confession on Saturday, needless to say it's gonna be a hard night. Hopefully I will feel better after it's all said and done.

Tonight: Tiffani + ramen noodles = happy
Saturday: Confession then party, ironic huh lol

Planners...

they are great really
agendas, planners, calendars
keeping everyday tasks neatly marked
color coded- highlighted
making sure every moment of life is
clearly determined
never to mis-plan, overbook
forget an assignment
birthday, day off and holidays

until of course....
your world is turned upside down
suddenly your agenda
marked with lines
crosses or white out
continues for days
weeks
of unplanned days
why plan?
does defining something make if more comfortable?
giving a false sense of security
its the same with the days of life
God seems to try to
remind us
to live
or He will make
you live
suddenly blowing your tire
an illness
or a loss
and your planner
agenda, calendar
means nothing
and your left to your own basic emotions
instincts
even though your days are
fulls of x's and crossed out words
the days continue to move
with each turn of the page
until once again you return to color coded
packed days to wait
for the next shock


R.I.P. Grandpa Gianni